The Day I Thought About Ending My Life

I remember sitting in my 1997 Toyota 4Runner, broken, empty and full of hatred towards God. I was severely depressed, ridden with anxiety and highly skeptical towards life. It didn’t matter how many medications I had tried or how many counseling sessions I went to. I had convinced myself that nobody in the world would give a crap if I was gone. I was my own worst enemy. I was right where satan wanted me.

No amount of Zoloft kept me from feeling down. No amount of counseling sessions kept me from thinking I was worthless. No amount of truth kept me from believing the lies. I was 18 years old and trying to find my place in the world, all while ignoring everything I had ever learned about God.

It’s a blockade that keeps you from feeling anything other than darkness. At only 18 years old, I was the main event at at a party called “loneliness.” 

As I sat in the car that my mother and father had lovingly gifted me two years prior, I remember trying so hard to convince myself that life was worth living, and that there was something out there actually worth living for. But while my convincing continued to fail me, the thought of ending my own life continued to grow steadily. I Googled “painless ways to commit suicide” and processed through my head how everything would take place. Why you ask? Because ending it all was easier than trying to admit my brokenness to others.

From the outside looking in, nobody would have expected the pain I was feeling at 18. I had a loving family, big goals and a great group of friends. But although everything looked wonderful from an outside perspective, no one knew that I had been struggling with this hurt for the last 5 years of my life. I was way in over my head, and I wasn’t looking to deal with it any longer. I was ready to finally let go.

As I cried out to God, already covered in my owns sweat and tears, I remember this overwhelming feeling come over me. My screams of, “I can’t do this anymore God” were countered with a sense of His presence, a presence that words cannot begin to describe. As I continued to share my anger with the one who had created me, I noticed my voice slowly lowering in volume, my anger starting to cease, and my racing heart beginning to come back to a normal state. God finally interrupted my cries and said, “Give me a chance.”  

But God, I don’t want to feel like this anymore” I remember shouting. His response was something I have never forgotten: “I don’t want you to feel like this anymore either. Give me a chance!”

The next morning I woke up, not quite sure when or how I ended up back at my house. I was confused, rested and somewhat joyful for what the day would bring. As I reminisced on what had taken place the night prior, “Give me a chance” continued to play in my head.

As I made my way to work, I was expectant for something grand to happen. I wanted God to show me that giving him a chance was worth it. I wanted God to show me that life was worth living. I remember clocking in, putting on my name tag and making my way over to where I’d spend the next eight hours of my day, still expecting that God would do something grand.

I remember thinking to myself “Here we go” as my first customer walked up to me. “Jarrid, is that you?” said the tall, skinny, longhaired guy in front of me. He proceeded to explain that we had gone to high school together, but that I might not remember him since he was a few grades ahead of me. And after a few minutes of back and forth chatter, he asked me a question that I’m sure was only by the hand of God: “Dude, you wanna go to church with tonight?” 

I couldn’t believe the words that had just come out of this guys mouth. Was this a joke? Did someone set him up to do this? But before my mind could ask itself anymore questions, I responded, “Of course I would!” 

That night was the night that forever changed my life. That was the night that God did something grand. That was the night that God gave me purpose. I heard the Good News of Jesus for the first time. Or, maybe I had already heard it before and this was just the first time it actually made sense. I realized that my life wasn’t about me, my strength and my plans, but instead the calling that God himself had for me.

“My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” —Galatians 2:20

Depression and anxiety are two things I will probably always battle against, and even take small doses of medication for. The beautiful thing about Christ is his willingness to help me amidst the battle. If you find yourself struggling with depression or loneliness, I encourage you to reach out for help. Give God a chance, and let him show you something grand.

-Jarrid Wilson


What are your thoughts? Leave a comment below.

Published by Jarrid Wilson

Husband, Father, Pastor at Harvest Christian Fellowship & Author of a few books.

31 comments on “The Day I Thought About Ending My Life”

  1. Wow! I have struggled with depression and anxiety all my life. Have been on medication all of my adult life and had to wait until I was 46 before the right specialist took my problems seriously. Because I didn’t fit into any sort of box I understand how hard is was for a local gp to help. I woke up every morning and would say to god ok, today’s a good day to die. I’m ready. I was too gutless to commit suicide but thought about it . But finally I’m starting to live again. I will always struggle with self doubt and worthlessness but I’m now working part time and riding my horses again. That in itself is a miracle. Your story was inspiring. Thanks.

  2. I’ve been thinking alot after reading your story, its very encouraging to see others be able to share their testimony. You said something I have said about myself many times, I’m my own worst enemy, my own worst abuser. I’ve done more damage to myself than anyone else. It’s not easy to share my story i’m still in the midst of trying to accept and work things out. My Pastor counsels me, and been doing much better over the past month or so. Couple of times depression set in and it still feels like everything is useless.Haven’t let my Pastor know though been trying to work things out myself. I’ve bottled up so many emotions over the years, from time I was a child, hiding them. I haven’t figured out to deal with them. Sort of feels like I’ve failed my Pastor. It’s nuts, crazy and just INSANE what we let into our minds in times of depression. It’s pretty scary stuff specially when you’re a Christian and knowing what you know in Scripture. Anyway I want to say Thank you for sharing your story with so many.

    Lord Bless!

  3. Hi Jarrid,

    I love your story, I am currently experiencing frustration, I have an illness I prayed to God through Jesus that the time will come I will be healed. All the people that I talked to said my illness is incurable. In my heart and mind I know that I will be healed for nothing is impossible to God. Maybe my prayer is not enough. Maybe I need help. I need your prayer and also from my loved ones.


  4. I can totally relate to this. I can remember being so depressed and anxious all the time, it was a constant struggle. Then one day I found myself in the car bawling my eyes out trying to hide it from my parents. I told God there was absolutely no way I could move on alone and I have my life to Christ and it has been the craziest but most amazing ride of my life and I can’t wait until I’m old and get to look back at all God has done!

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