The Day I Thought About Ending My Life

I remember sitting in my 1997 Toyota 4Runner, broken, empty and full of hatred towards God. I was severely depressed, ridden with anxiety and highly skeptical towards life. It didn’t matter how many medications I had tried or how many counseling sessions I went to. I had convinced myself that nobody in the world would give a crap if I was gone. I was my own worst enemy. I was right where satan wanted me.

No amount of Zoloft kept me from feeling down. No amount of counseling sessions kept me from thinking I was worthless. No amount of truth kept me from believing the lies. I was 18 years old and trying to find my place in the world, all while ignoring everything I had ever learned about God.

It’s a blockade that keeps you from feeling anything other than darkness. At only 18 years old, I was the main event at at a party called “loneliness.” 

As I sat in the car that my mother and father had lovingly gifted me two years prior, I remember trying so hard to convince myself that life was worth living, and that there was something out there actually worth living for. But while my convincing continued to fail me, the thought of ending my own life continued to grow steadily. I Googled “painless ways to commit suicide” and processed through my head how everything would take place. Why you ask? Because ending it all was easier than trying to admit my brokenness to others.

From the outside looking in, nobody would have expected the pain I was feeling at 18. I had a loving family, big goals and a great group of friends. But although everything looked wonderful from an outside perspective, no one knew that I had been struggling with this hurt for the last 5 years of my life. I was way in over my head, and I wasn’t looking to deal with it any longer. I was ready to finally let go.

As I cried out to God, already covered in my owns sweat and tears, I remember this overwhelming feeling come over me. My screams of, “I can’t do this anymore God” were countered with a sense of His presence, a presence that words cannot begin to describe. As I continued to share my anger with the one who had created me, I noticed my voice slowly lowering in volume, my anger starting to cease, and my racing heart beginning to come back to a normal state. God finally interrupted my cries and said, “Give me a chance.”  

But God, I don’t want to feel like this anymore” I remember shouting. His response was something I have never forgotten: “I don’t want you to feel like this anymore either. Give me a chance!”

The next morning I woke up, not quite sure when or how I ended up back at my house. I was confused, rested and somewhat joyful for what the day would bring. As I reminisced on what had taken place the night prior, “Give me a chance” continued to play in my head.

As I made my way to work, I was expectant for something grand to happen. I wanted God to show me that giving him a chance was worth it. I wanted God to show me that life was worth living. I remember clocking in, putting on my name tag and making my way over to where I’d spend the next eight hours of my day, still expecting that God would do something grand.

I remember thinking to myself “Here we go” as my first customer walked up to me. “Jarrid, is that you?” said the tall, skinny, longhaired guy in front of me. He proceeded to explain that we had gone to high school together, but that I might not remember him since he was a few grades ahead of me. And after a few minutes of back and forth chatter, he asked me a question that I’m sure was only by the hand of God: “Dude, you wanna go to church with tonight?” 

I couldn’t believe the words that had just come out of this guys mouth. Was this a joke? Did someone set him up to do this? But before my mind could ask itself anymore questions, I responded, “Of course I would!” 

That night was the night that forever changed my life. That was the night that God did something grand. That was the night that God gave me purpose. I heard the Good News of Jesus for the first time. Or, maybe I had already heard it before and this was just the first time it actually made sense. I realized that my life wasn’t about me, my strength and my plans, but instead the calling that God himself had for me.

“My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” —Galatians 2:20

Depression and anxiety are two things I will probably always battle against, and even take small doses of medication for. The beautiful thing about Christ is his willingness to help me amidst the battle. If you find yourself struggling with depression or loneliness, I encourage you to reach out for help. Give God a chance, and let him show you something grand.

-Jarrid Wilson


What are your thoughts? Leave a comment below.

Published by Jarrid Wilson

Husband, Father, Pastor at Harvest Christian Fellowship & Author of a few books.

31 comments on “The Day I Thought About Ending My Life”

  1. Thank you so much for sharing your story! I have been in that same spot. Crying out to God telling him that I couldn’t do it anymore, that everything I was going through was too much. But he touched my heart and told me to hold on and that He had something wonderful planned for me. At the time I felt as though no one would really care if I was gone and I didn’t really trust that God would use ME for His purpose but I decided to listen to the first part and just hold on. And that’s exactly what I did.

    Since then, He has shown me some some amazing things, and I am thankful that He never gave up on me even when I was about to give up on Him. He is still working in my life and I still struggle with depression and loneliness and some days are harder than others but when I rely on Him and talk to Him about it, He always helps me through it. It is always encouraging though when you hear other experiences and helps you not feel so alone.

    I am now 25 and have a passion to try and help kids that are struggling with depression and to share my story with them. I haven’t been able to do much with it yet but I do plan on it.

  2. Today I was going to commit suicide, but.. A few things have happened this morning, one of them being your blog, that convinced me to at least not end it today. I’ll give God a chance.. But He better come through cause I can’t take the pain much longer. I really can’t.

    1. Jess, even though I don’t know you, my heart hurts for you. Please know that you are loved, you are treasured, you are His. You are a child of God. You have a divine inheritance through Him. He is the Maker of the Stars, yet He has you written on the palm of His hand because you are so precious to Him. God is singing His love song over you.
      It is so, so difficult to trust God in the painful and broken moments of life. But He is there and He has a beautiful plan for your life, even though it may seem absolutely impossible, even though His voice is hard to hear.

      Sometimes it takes the darkest moments for us to see Him and hear His voice most clearly. Seek Him, and hang on to the precious hope and love that He has for us. I am praying for you.

      “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” -1 Peter 1:3-9

    2. Jess! i beg you to not see suicide as the only solution to your misery.. I’ve been rough times and i promise that more people than you think are going through bad times in their lives. No one lives a perfect life, life is hard and the devil wants the worse for us. But the devil will not win! He will not and he can not! i won’t let him! With god we are stronger than him!

      I am here to talk anytime! GOD loves you so so much, whatever you’re going through, god can help you through it! The only truth in this world is god and the love he has for us. please please write to me, i’m here for you hun! Email:

    3. Hi Jess, you’re probably half around the world from where I am, the Philippines, I prayed that God would just reach you from where are right now and hold you, literally hold you! You matter, Jess. You have a purpose. I don’t know you, but you can talk to me on Skype or wherever and I will help you pray. I work for Wycliffe Philippines. Skype: admiral.ato

    4. PRAISE GOD for bringing this story to you sweet girl at just the right time. My heart truly breaks for you, and everyone out there who believes that suicide is the only answer. I am personally praying for you and anyone else who feels broken and alone. Know that God is with you. He LOVES you despite all your past mistakes. Know that you are loved! You are beautiful and a daughter of the one true King.

      Come as you are!

      “Come out of sadness
      From wherever you’ve been
      Come broken hearted
      Let rescue begin
      Come find your mercy
      Oh sinner come kneel
      Earth has no sorrow
      That heaven can’t heal”
      Listen to the song “Come as you are” by, David Crowder Band

      God wants you to come just as you are. Come broken, depressed, anxious, fearful. Come kneel before him no matter what you have done or what you are struggling with. He wants to give you love and hope. He has everlasting love and mercy. Let him bring you out of the darkness and troubles. GOD has a PURPOSE for YOUR Life!!! He can use every struggle, every scar, every mistake to bring Glory and Honor to Him. Your story can be used to touch other people’s lives just like Jarrid’s did. Have faith and Give God a Chance!

  3. Thank you so much! I am going through a hard time right now and I’m really scared. My mom knows but what she doesn’t know is that she’s part of my problems. She is going 2 get me an appointment to talk to someone who can tell me if I’m depressed, because since I was in about 4-5th grade I have felt depressed..this is exactly what I need to read thank you so much!
    P.S. I am 13 and go 2 Life point. I am a Christ follower.

  4. This is just awesome sir. I’ve been depressed the past year and I’ve thought of ending my life as well. Truly it is God and God alone who can heal us and change us. I am also battling with it. The devil constantly reminds me of my depression, anxiety and insecurity, but God is the strongest. Thank you for your amazing testimony sir. You continually inspire me to seek Him and His will and purpose for my life.

    P.S. I am also 18 years old.

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